barbara dickson

Everything I Need to Know about Blended Families I Learned From Moses ©2007-2010

What’s New

February 2010

A Letter to Your Stepchildren Early on in your new blended family relationship, it’s sometimes beneficial to write a letter to your step children.

Introduction to Everything I Need to Know…

When Moses stood at the brink of the Red Sea over three thousand years ago, millions of hungry and frightened Israelites stood beside him, counting on him to protect them from Pharaoh’s army that was bearing down on them, eager to slay them all.

But being stuck between a rock – imminent death by Pharaoh’s hand – and a hard place – drowning in the Red Sea – wasn’t Moses’ biggest problem. Not by a long shot. His most terrifying task loomed on the desert’s horizon:

He was about to become stepfather to the world’s biggest blended family.

As Moses stared at the sheer size of the Sea before him, he probably had some second thoughts, the most urgent of which probably went something like: Could someone please remind me again WHY I’M DOING THIS???

While I would never presume to compare myself to the amazing task that God appointed Moses to do, I can relate to Moses’ basic struggles as a flawed human being. As a fellow step parent in a blended family, I can fully appreciate Moses’ feeling of utter inadequacy for the journey for which he was about to embark.

Early on in my journey in raising both my biological children as well as my stepchildren, it occurred to me that if Moses, with God’s help, could protect and provide for millions of God’s children, then surely I could manage five…

What I hadn’t realized at the time was that the number of Israelites wasn’t the issue…

It was all about the baggage these children of God lugged around. They were so weighed down by betrayal, bitterness, anger, sadness and fear, that by the time they reached the Red Sea, they weren’t in any frame of mind to take on the seemingly impossible task of crossing a body of water, even if it meant saving their lives.

In essence, the children of Israel were fed up. Fed up with not having any say in the major decisions made on their behalf; fed up with infighting; fed up in not having any roots, not having a home to call their own, losing everything warm and comfortable in their lives. They were fed up having to smile and pretend they weren’t hurting inside.

Perhaps that sums up, in one little matzo ball, your own little blended family.

As they stood by the boundless main lapping at their feet, the children of Israel accused Moses so eloquently:
“Why have you dealt so with us, to bring us up out of Egypt? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than that we should die in the wilderness.”

Or, in modern speak: “What have you done to us, remarrying and forcing us to blend? It would have been better to have suffered in your bad marriage than that we should suffer in this blended family.”

As step parents we need help, in not only navigating the Red Sea in our lives, but to maneuver the barren Wilderness as well.

In the following pages, you will find articles addressing the unique trials of a blended family, fitting within five major categories:

• What Would Moses Do?
• 10 Commandments for a Blended Family
• The Life and Times of a Stepmother
• It Happened to a Friend of a Friend of Mine
• The Ex-Files

Please note these experiences are the accumulation of numerous parents’ input, not relating to any one blended family in particular.

Come back often to catch up on the latest additions. Subscribe to my E-zine where you will receive the latest on blended families. I invite you also to share your own blended family stories in the reply area below. Remember: Moses was only one man; there is safety in numbers.

I hold no degrees, diplomas, or certificates in human psychology or counseling.

If you think you need professional advice, then please seek the help you need. We could all use a professional, objective opinion once in a while.

God bless you as you navigate the adventurous terrain of step parenting. The waters might be deep and murky, the wilderness stark and lonely, but with God alongside, and with the truths gleamed from Moses’ experiences as your guide, your ‘matzo ball’ too can make it to the Promised Land; a land where the milk of peace and the honey of camaraderie flow.

Barbara

A Letter to Your Stepchildren

The letter below is an example of one of many I’ve received from step parents. There is no ONE “this sums up every blended family” letter. Each family is made up with unique individuals and circumstances. Each family’s dynamics are different – amicability of the separation and divorce, whether both ex-spouses have remarried, age, gender and number of children and step children (both within your immediate family and that of your ex-spouse,) where geographically each member is located, etc. – so this letter is a glimpse into what a typical letter might look like.

There are common points, though, that every letter ought to include should you choose to write one:

• Always say Thank You
• Always acknowledge and support their feelings
• Always honour the memories of yesterday, acknowledge the dynamics of today, and offer hope for tomorrow
• Add your own thoughts unique to your family’s dynamics

A Letter to Your Step Children

Dated: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow…

To My Stepchildren:

This is my ‘Thank You’, from my heart to yours.

I want to say ‘thank you’ for making me feel so welcome during those early days so many years ago when your dad and I were tentatively beginning our friendship. You were so young! It’s hard to believe where the time goes. You had the world on a string.

Back then, you accepted me and my new relationship into your lives, at a time when you were still struggling with your parent’s separation and divorce. The last thing you needed or wanted was another change. And yet, you accepted a very foreign situation, as we worked to build a healthy ‘family’ relationship between us all. I remember feeling thrilled that all of you had bonded so well, so early in our relationship.

You were always polite and respectful to me and I want to say thank you for that as well. You handled yourselves with class and dignity throughout your dad’s and my ‘dating days.’

I want to say ‘thank you’ for working so faithfully to help bring our families together. We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we? I want you to know that I understand how difficult it has been, and must still continue to be, for us, as very different individuals, to live together and ‘be a family.’ I recognize that life was much simpler when it was just you and your dad.

I want to say ‘thank you’ for your laughter, your senses of humour, your spirit, and your tears. They all remind us that we belong to the human race and that we are unique with individual tastes, opinions, and outlooks on life. You are wonderful people; intelligent, full of life, and full of promise.

I want to say ‘thank you’ for your honesty throughout our relationship. You’ve taught me so much. I’ve learned (sometime the hard way!) that while somewhere in my naiveté I had hoped to take on a equivalent ‘mother’ly role like your own mom, I understand now that it was too much to expect to assume such a sacred and special role.

So, for that, I ask for your forgiveness. I didn’t realize how deep seated anger, resentment and bitterness toward a step parent could be, until my own children’s prospective stepmother stepped into the picture. When I listened to my children and their reactions to a possible re-marriage of their father, I can only imagine what negative feelings you harboured towards me. If you’ve felt even remotely how they felt toward her, my heart breaks to think of the pain you felt.

In humility and sincerity, I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, through no fault of your own. It wasn’t your fault your parents separated, divorced and remarried. Adults made major life decisions that impacted you dramatically, and you had no choice but to live with them.

I strive now to be your friend, your mentor, your confidant.

As scary as it sounds, life is about change, isn’t it? Whether we like it, whether we accept it quietly, or whether we go into the change kicking and screaming, change happens. Our world, our future, our homes never stay the same for long.

When I think about where we’ve come from, where we are, and where we hope to go, I am so thankful for you, and what you’ve brought to my life.

My dream for each of you is to find happiness through learning to be your own best friend, to complete your education and set out on your own, to start the greatest adventure of your young lives as strong, happy, independent adults.

My dream is to one day help you set up your first apartments, meet your sweethearts, in some small way help with wedding plans, to pace outside a hospital delivery room awaiting the cry of a new life, and to hold your little babies and love them.

Until then, I’m here.

With much love,

Your Stepmother